Drinking Dreams and Motherhood
I hate tuesdays, especially when my husband travels. (this next part is all mother whining, so feel free to skip this paragraph) At 3PM my little guy gets home, has a snack and then we leave to go to the middle school to pick up my oldest and drive her to the gymnastics center. Then we go back home. I have about 45 minutes to make dinner before we need to leave again. Yesterday, I hadn’t finished all the work I needed to do so I didn’t have time to make anything. At 5:00 I begin the process of trying to get my middle child ready for soccer which involves asking him nicely several times and then screaming at him multiple times and then searching for his uniform which he always loses because he always leaves it on the floor somewhere. Don’t even get me started about that. Then we head to pick up our carpool and drive to soccer at 6. Soccer ends at 7:30. We have to rush back to the car in order to make it to the gymnastics center by 8PM to pick up my daughter. Then we take the carpool home and finally, we arrive at home at about 8:45. Last night, I still had to make dinner and I was tired and VERY short tempered from spending hours in the car with the Bickerstaffs. (that’s what i call my boys who fight NON-STOP…which just makes me crazy because I can’t stand the sound of fighting…leftover childhood trauma.)
We walked in the door and there was quite an exciting mess waiting for me. My old dog had eaten an entire bag of cat food yesterday and I had to deal with that mess already. But today, she was reacting to the cat food by vomiting ALL over the KITCHEN. Yes, five vomits awaited me. I screamed when I saw it. Put my kids in the game room and told them to do their home work NOW….and that I had better not hear one complaint or they were all going down in a sea of mommy crazy. I got my super calm voice going…which scares them to death. Oh no, the calm voice…
At that moment, I wanted to drink more than I have in 3 months. I wanted to drink so badly I might have pushed you down and ripped a drink out of your hands if you had on and were standing next to me.
I cleaned the vomit and made the easiest dinner ever for my kids. I sat down on the couch and just pretended my little guy didn’t need to be in bed…an hour ago. We ate and we watched some stupid cooking show called CHOPPED that my kids like. I knew it was wrong to let the little one stay up so late…but really, I wasn’t in a good place. I needed to just sit there. All I could think was…why did I have so many kids? Clearly I am not cut out for this, I am too selfish…I just want to run away where no one is depending on me…because i hate it. Last night, i absolutely hated it.
I finally took my little guy back to bed. He wanted me to read him a story but it was 9:45 and I just couldn’t. I cuddled up next to him in bed and rubbed his back instead. I think I fell asleep before he did. My other kids, I guess they put themselves to bed. I assume they did because I was done…I needed that day to end…and it did end.
Once again, mother of the year goes to RENEE…The sober party girl.
Yeah, I know…I am hard on myself. Yeah, I know…I need to stop that.
At 4 in the morning I woke up fully dressed…sharing a twin bed with a 7 year old and feeling completely loony. I had just had my very first drinking dream. In the dream, I was on a trip at a beach, I was searching for a good spot to set up with a group of friends. It was sunny and beautiful and music was playing in the background. We got set up and a waitress (it’s a dream here folks) came and asked us if we wanted a cocktail from the bar. I spent a LOT of time deciding what to have but finally settled on vodka and tonic with lots of fresh lime. And cigarettes, I asked for some cigarettes. My friend looked at me and asked if I was sure I wanted to do that. I told her to leave me alone…I wanted to drink and smoke today. And I did. The rest of the dream was just me, on the beach, drinking and listening to music and smoking too….and dancing. And having a lot of fun.
Thanks subconscious brain, you are so helpful. If this were to happen…in reality…I would freaking hate myself for it. I would have to get drunk really, really fast to give up so easily on my vision of this year of self discovery and sobriety. Because its just not going to happen. I am not going to give up on it. It’s hard, some days are going to be really hard. But I am going to just keep living through it. I will not give up on it like I did in my dream. No way, no matter how crappy a day in mommy land I have. No matter how bad I feel or how overwhelmed I am…I am not going to stop believing that I can do this. I have something to prove and i am going to prove. Take that subconscious brain!
So F.U. Tuesdays and dog vomit and drinking dreams.
You cannot win. You cannot take me back to the darkness of late January, 2012.