So I am really enjoying sobriety. Generally, it isn’t nearly as difficult as i thought it would be. And today is a good day, so, while I am full of sassy “I am doing so great” energy today…I know a day is around the corner where I will want to throw in the towel and forget I ever mentioned this whole sober thing. But today I can see clearly. My vision isn’t skewed by trauma or stress or anger. I can tell you, without a doubt, that I have less depression…less mood swings in general, than I did when I was drinking and smoking. I am a much more middle of the road person without drinking or getting stoned.I have so much more free time to express my creative side…like this blog and other projects I have brewing. I also have more time for rest. I have more time to hang out with my family. I am also more confident. On my good days, like today, I can’t believe how good I am doing…I am proud of myself like I have never been before and I want to keep that feeling flowing.
(you knew it was coming, didn’t you?)
there are a few things that I am consistently struggling with.
1) I am lonely. I dropped off a friend’s son last night…one of my best girlfriends and probably my favorite person to drink with. She is a sweet, wonderful, incredibly fun person. We have a friendship that is built on our love of partying but it’s a real friendship. But she is also one of the people I am talking about when I describe my party friends. So, I haven’t seen her much lately. I have blogged repeatedly about this issue so I won’t return to it. But last night when I arrived and the house was empty…I knew where they were. They were all sitting on the back porch where I have spent hundreds of hours. I opened the door to the patio…yep…there they were…three girlfriends…people I love…sitting on that porch…smoking and drinking wine. And the pang of desire was strong. To be there with them. It made me sad. And lonely. Let’s not blame them for being exactly who they were before I got sober. Instead…can I just allow myself to feel sad about it for a few minutes? It doesn’t mean I am going back there. All it takes is 30 seconds of remembering the two weeks post vegas…the darkness and sadness…to know it’s not worth it. But today, I would like a moment of silence in honor of those enjoyable times. Because I suspect they are over for me. Maybe, someday, I will be so amazing in my sobriety that I will be able to hang with those chicks again on the patio and drink a big glass of ice water. But somehow I doubt it.
I am making new friends…you know who you are NEW FRIENDS. I know you are reading this because you care about my sobriety and you read my blog. That’s proof that I am not alone. You are awesome and I love you. But the old friends…I think its ok to admit that I miss them and that missing them makes me feel lonely.
2) Goshdangit this feeling of being hungry all the time is annoying. I cannot stop eating ALL THE TIME. And when I start eating, I eat exactly like I used to drink. I hate it. Last night I went to dinner…I ordered something low in calories and fat, I ate every bite and then started in on my kids unfinished meals. I cannot seem to help myself. I get up every morning determined to eat healthy and to not overeat. By dinner, I seem to lose all my desire and I just eat anything i can get my hands on…the more carbs the better. And the sweets? Ugh…I cannot get enough sweets. I really do feel so hungry and I don’t feel full…ever. I know its all related to sobriety…I know it in my head but my body just wants to eat all the time. I have gained at least ten pounds since i quit everything. Most of my pants are too tight and I HATE it. I exercise all the time but I am still gaining weight. I am beginning to think obsessively about my weight and my eating…exactly the same way I used to obsess about my partying…esp. my smoking cigarettes. It’s like I am addicted to the obsessive thinking and I have just replaced one with the other. I don’t know how to stop this behavior and it is becoming a significant source of anxiety for me. I know that many of you will tell me to stop worrying about my weight and to concentrate on getting healthy. Again, I know this in my head. But the desire to eat all the time is real. And the obsessive thinking about that desire, it is real too.
I believe that getting at the source of that problem (obsessive thinking) and resolving it, is the key to genuine healing and happiness.
So today I am coming at it from a buddhist perspective and simply observing how I am feeling. I feel these two things; lonely and sad for my old friends, and angry about being hungry all the time. I don’t know how to resolve them so I won’t try. Not today.
Oh and by the way,
Can someone please pass me a cookie?